Vodka Brand Mad Lib

I would like to introduce you to __BRAND_NAME__, a high-quality, organic vodka produced and distilled in the __REGION_NAME__ region of __COUNTRY__. Crafted from native __COUNTRY__ __PLANT__, this vodka is distilled by the __MADE_UP_FAMILY_NAME__, who have been distilling alcohol in __COUNTRY__ since __RANDOM_YEAR__. This _NUMBER__-generation family-owned distillery strives to produce a clean and distinctive product, representative of the terroir.

__BRAND_NAME__ is composed of 100% organic __PLANT__ and pristine water from __BODY_OF_WATER__, creating a superb product. It’s then distilled __LARGE_NUMBER__ times and filtered through __EXPENSIVE_MATERIAL__, giving it an incomparable and smooth taste.

The result is an incomparable and smooth vodka with aromas of __PANTRY_ITEM__, __ANOTHER_PANTRY_ITEM__, and a velvety sweetness on the palate with notes of __FRUIT__ and __NUT__ with an elegant, light body, and a long finish.

Please let me know if you would like know more about __BRAND_NAME__, and I would be happy to provide you a sample with background information and tech sheet.

Cocktail Wonk Turns 200 – A Spirited Retrospective

As I write this, I’m lingering over the last few vapors from a very wee dram of Gordon & MacPhail Long Pond rum, distilled in Jamaica in 1941 and aged for 58 years. It’s a glorious example of the Jamaican rum flavor-bombs I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with. My good fortune in acquiring this Holy Grail of rum, brought into existence before the atom bomb and the moon landing, is entirely attributable to this site. Fellow writer Lance Surujbally, aka The Lone Caner, saw my post about the historic Long Pond distillery and graciously arranged for a sample to be sent from Germany. The story of this dram arriving in my glass is a perfect synopsis of how life has changed since starting this little writing adventure. So, on the occasion of my 200th posting, I’ll indulge in a bit of navel gazing, historical retrospective, and wrap up with what’s to come.

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Back to Cali – Lost Spirits Resets, Releases an Islay Abomination & More!

If there’s one story that’s consistently provided fodder for my ramblings here, it would be Lost Spirits. Their primary claim to fame is a hyper-speed distilled-spirit aging process, the brainchild of mad scientist Bryan Davis. A quick check shows that I’ve done two dozen posts here about Lost Spirits, reaching back to some of my earliest writing. I was thrilled to be the first source to write about the THEA One aging reactor, which has received the attention of the biggest spirits industry players and been covered by Wired, CBS, and other mainstream outlets.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from following Bryan’s story is to expect the unexpected, with frequent twists in the narrative. First, the release of three high-octane rums — Navy Style, Polynesian Inspired, and Cuban Inspired–which grabbed the rum enthusiast market’s attention due to their high powered, intense flavors. Next was the company’s announcement that they would begin licensing their aging process to other distilleries.  The technology is embodied in a “reactor” that takes in freshly made spirit and wood and exposes them to heat and intense light; it’s a patented process that results in the claimed net effect of twenty years of barrel aging within a week’s time. Naturally, this put Lost Spirits in the crosshairs of the big, multinational spirits producers as well as upstart distilleries looking for an edge.

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When is a Mai Tai Not a Mai Tai?

Crappy cocktail recipes are an occupational hazard of using the internet. I do my best to roll my eyes and move on. Until I came across this horror show on Thrillist This one simply needed to be addressed.

Titled the Dead Man’s Mai Tai, the text breathlessly describes it as “… an autumnal take on a familiar tropical classic. So basically just as good! Coconut rum? Check. Dark rum? Check.”

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A good article on maddeningly inconsistent spirits pricing

Here in Washington state where I live, we have the highest liquor prices in the country, generally speaking. A huge chunk of the price of a bottle are state-imposed taxes, unambiguously the highest in the country. However, if you look at the price of a bottle on the shelf at a store here, it’s almost always pre-tax. And the price of that bottle is still quite a bit higher than I can find it on the shelves in other states, most notably nearby California or Oregon. Out-the-door costs of a typical bottle here are nearly double what I would pay for it from an online source.

Along those lines, I came across this excellent post on the K&L blog. If you’re at all interested in the business side of the liquor industry–how spirits flow from the distiller to you, and how prices are set–this is a must-read. At the end it becomes a bit of a rah-rah for Anchor Distilling’s import business, but I’m okay with that. (They import some of my favorite brands, including Luxardo and Tempus Fugit)

Highlighted quote from the post:

While you all have a choice as to which retailers you purchase from and the freedom to look around for the best price, we as retailers do not. We have one choice and one choice only. If we don’t like the price being offered for Lagavulin 16 we can choose either to buy it and be unhappy, or choose not to buy it and explain to our customers why. I can only purchase Buffalo Trace whiskies from their one chosen California distributor. I can only buy Diageo products from their one chosen California distributor.

Cocktail Componentry – How a drink is built

 

Trinidad Sour

In cooking, we all know that different ingredients play different roles. You’ve got your proteins, starches, vegetables, spices, flavor enhancers like salt, and so forth. In the cocktail world there are similar categorizations. Let’s look at some very broad categorizations of common cocktail ingredients.

Base Spirits – These form the backbone of your drink and usually contribute the majority of the alcoholic content, as they’re usually at least 80 proof (40% alcohol.) Typically these are one (or occasionally two) of the following:

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Episode 1 – In which the blogger becomes an opinionated drinker


The life of a cocktail wonk is full of first-world problems.  Finding enough shelf space for the 40+ bottle rum collection leaves barely any room for the whiskey reserves, and the assorted gins have to fend for space in various nooks and crannies around other bottles. The large format ice cubes are never quite as clear as they should be, and you’re always just one ingredient short of some amazing recipe you saw online. How did these become my recurring dilemmas?


wasn’t born with a silver bar spoon in my mouth. My obsession with all things cocktail and liquor related is fairly recent. If you’d have asked me eight years ago what the difference between scotch and bourbon was, you’d have received a blank stare. These days I’m hunting for the perfect wood chips to experiment with aging cocktails in jars, and optimal baking points for maximizing wood sugars.  While I love to geek out about esoteric corners of the cocktail world, I’ve also found joy in giving interested people a gentle, understandable introduction to drinking with awareness of what they’re consuming. That’s what this blog is about.
My earliest recollection of anything booze related was the cupboard over of my parent’s refrigerator. I remember well the bottles of Galliano, amaretto and Gordon’s gin but I can’t say I ever saw anything approaching “mixology” while growing up, although I’m pretty sure the Galliano was used for a “Harvey Wallbanger.” – Look it up. I suspect my parent’s liquor cupboard was a haphazard collection of gifts and one-off purchases, most likely for some holiday recipe.  No, my aptitude for spirits certainly didn’t come from early life experiences.
In my late teens my family took a Caribbean cruise. Since the drinking age was 18 on the open ocean back then, I ordered a Pina Colada because it looked pretty. WOW! Holy crap! This is awesome! Looking back, it was my affinity for all things sweet that had much to do with my newfound love for rum, coconut and pineapple. I was so enamored with the magical Pina Colada that I figured out how to make them at home – eventually friends started requesting them at parties as witnessed in the photo above.
I was a master cocktail craftsman, or so I believed. With the Pina Colada mastered, I tried other things, often involving Malibu and whatever else looked interesting and was available. I was never brought up for crimes against mixology but should have. My cocktail awareness was still mostly of the “let’s get drunk” mindset.
After college my professional life took off, leaving little time to think about drinking as anything other than something to do with friends on the weekends, instead focusing all my enthusiasm into software development. Starting out in tech support in 1988, I became obsessed learning the PC architecture and programming, so much that through sheer enthusiasm I worked up to doing real software development. My enthusiasm lead to writing magazine articles about programming, which turned into books, then programming seminars.  I was travelling all over the world, writing and speaking about programming while still holding down a “normal” software development job from 9-5. My special talent during those many years was taking complicated topics (How Windows works, CPU architecture, debuggers), and simplifying them down to where they could be relatively easily conveyed and understood.
In my early 30s I found myself on a United Airlines first class flight from Hawaii. The drinks were free, but I had no idea what to order – Pina Coladas weren’t an option. The kind flight attendant suggested a Mai Tai:

My first sip was WOW!  Something magic, and I was in love with this drink. Today I recognize that what knocked my socks off was orgeat, the almond syrup frequently used in tropical drinks. My love of Tiki was sparked there, but wasn’t self-sustaining yet.

Shortly thereafter my personal life went through upheaval – A divorce, a new job (Microsoft!) , a move across country, and a new marriage let me focus on other parts of life I’d ignored while living and breathing computers and software. Still I missed having a hobby now that computers weren’t something I thought about nearly 24×7.

In 2004 I met one of my now closest friends at a party in downtown Seattle – We hit it off immediately and a few days later my wife and I were at his swank Belltown pad. He offered a cocktail and I was blown away when he produced a perfect Cosmo – Swank!!!  Not only did he use a real cocktail shaker, he had an actual ice maker in his kitchen! Things clicked as I realized that “real” cocktails weren’t  that complicated – Over the course of many more Cosmos on many more evenings, I came to the conclusion that I could do this as well. I was fortunate in that soon thereafter my wife and I bought an older house and set out to renovate it. There was an auxiliary sink and counter downstairs and we had the inspiration to turn this into a dedicated bar area – Refrigerator, ice maker, sink, fancy counter, nice cupboards, the works. My only real regret is that I thought space for 50 bottles would be enough. Hah!

At the time my cocktail interest were still leaning somewhat towards you could call “girl drinks” – In addition to the Cosmo and Pina Colada, think “Lemon Drop” and you have the idea.  While living in a small apartment while waiting for the major construction on the house to be completed, my wife gave me a book by Beachbum Berry – “Sippin Safari”. Scanning the many recipes, I realized two things. First, I could easily make a Mai Tai now that I knew the magic. Second and more importantly, I started seeing the pattern of Tiki drinks – Almost without fail they have rum, lime and some sort of syrup. All the many exotic drinks- Jet Pilot! Navy Grog! are just variations on the basic skeleton. I started forming a list of essentials that I knew would enable me to make all sorts of tiki drinks, and experiment on my own with new combinations.

I was also fortunate to be in the right place at the right time in Seattle. We lived not far from Zig Zag – A bar now internationally famous and the one-time home of Murray Stenson. On my first visit there I scanned the menu and didn’t recognize most of the ingredients. Although definitely not Tiki-focused, I was intrigued by an even wider variety of exotic sounding ingredients that I knew nothing about. Discovering them all was a challenge I eagerly took on. With many Zig Zag visits, along with other great Seattle bars like Rob Roy, Liberty, and Tavern Law, my understanding and appreciation spirits and cocktails and techniques rapidly gained momentum.

In 2008, with our renovation completed, my own home bar was ready to roll:

With a dedicated space to play in and a good set of bartending essentials, I now have my own laboratory to play and learn in. In fact, if you look to the left in the photo you can see some of my science experiments. Almost every night I’m trying out a new recipe or improving on a favorite. As the interested drinker and reader, you don’t necessarily need all this however. All you need is a curious mind and a willingness to try new things. Hopefully this blog will inspire you to discover your own passion.

The Cocktail Wonk Manifesto – An opinionated overview of drinking for people who think

The world of cocktails and spirits can be overwhelming. Most folks enjoy a good drink but put them in front of a cocktail menu more complicated than an Applebee’s and they freeze – “Uh… Gin and tonic, please?”  I can’t count how many times somebody has told me “I don’t like brown liquors” or “I don’t drink gin”.  Weil, maybe you had a bad college experience or perhaps your only experience with rum was  Bacardi silver, in which case I beg you to give the many finer rums another chance. These encounters are an opportunity for me to challenge long held beliefs and perhaps turn somebody onto something they might love.

The world of spirits aspires to make their products appear artisanal – Everything is unique and special – A flower grown just for you! But the reality is that the multitude of different spirits out there can be easily categorized and understood.   Here, I’ll shed some basic, commonsense categorization of sprits and highlight differences between categorically related spirits. After all, it’s obvious that Triple Sec, Orange Curacao and Cointreau are all roughly the same thing, right?

Beyond the spirits are cocktails. There is no shortage of fancily (or badly) named drinks.  Web sites and mobile apps advertise their 1000s of recipes (as if that’s a good thing). However, most of them are crap. Good drink recipes are gold. Here you’ll learn the classic patterns and the variations that are almost effortlessly easy to improvise on once you know how things fit together. Likewise, too many recipes call for a particular brand of spirit. Without knowing the basic classification of a spirit or ingredient, it’s hard to know what else could be substituted, perhaps for even better effect.

The overarching goal here is to quantify, simplify, and apply a rigorous approach to understanding cocktails.  I’m a big fan of Nathan Mhyrvold and his “modernist cuisine” approach to cooking – demystifying and explaining in scientific terms what was previously just a nebulous “art”. On the other hand, even without Nathan’s budget, I believe anybody with some enthusiasm can put together a small home bar that impresses your friends with the classy drinks you make. Just stay away from the whipped cream vodka!

While I don’t work in the spirits industry, my prior experience doing deep dives into topics has made me realize how passionate I am about learning about all things drinking related – from bottle sizes to creating pure ice at home to aging your own cocktails. This enthusiasm for all things liquor has spilled into other areas of my life such as travel – If it’s at all drinking related, you’ll see it here sooner or later!