A story about the Bartesian (apparently one of Oprah’s Favorite Things) passed though my Google news feed today. For the low price of $349 and some recipe-specific capsules, customers can effortlessly make Lemon Drops and Low-Cal Margaritas at home.
Naturally, I pondered how this could work for Tiki cocktails – they do have a reputation for being complicated, after all. I was soon daydreaming about a press release for an (entirely fictional) Beechmaster machine:
Announcing the Beechmaster
Tiki Drinks at the Push of a Button!
Now you can bring a virtual Beachcomber and Trader into your home, effortlessly crafting the perfect Mai tai or Three Dots and a Dash with just the touch of a button! How does this modern-day Wi-Fi-connected miracle work, dear reader?
Simply fill the labeled tanks with Jamaican Rum, Demerara Rum, Demerara Overproof rum, white rum, gold rum, gin, bourbon, Scotch whisky, curacao, and pimento dram. Our Beechmaster Max edition adds a Jamaican Overproof tank to the above and automatically add a quarter ounce to every recipe.
Next to the spirit tanks is our patented SyrupStation. Simply plug in the included syrup packs: Demerara, passionfruit, orgeat, cinnamon, and simple are provided. Grenadine, fassionola, cream of coconut, honey, and rich simple syrup packs can be purchased separately.
The Angostura Bitters module is configured to accept standard sized 4, 6.7 and 16 oz bottles. No more manually dashing out 1.5 oz of bitters for your Angostura Coladas! The optional MaxAngo attachment enable your Beechmaster to tap directly into a 5-gallon pail of Angostura – great for Tiki festival room parties!
Next to the Angostura module is the Beechmaster’s falernum station, preconfigured for bottles of official Barbados falernum. An upcoming upgrade will support a hidden bottle of “fauxlernum” not made on Barbados. Software allows discretely switching between them — only you will know which was used!
Of course, you should add only the freshest lemon, lime, orange, and grapefruit to the juicing station bins. The Beechmaster cuts and squeezes all citrus to order. The Max edition will first peel the citrus before squeezing, using the peel to form an attractive garnish. (Please be sure to find creative ways to recycle the citrus shells afterwards.) The Max edition also supports a pineapple press attachment, and automatically selects and extracts the freshest fronds for garnishes.
You’ll also need to connect your Beechmaster to your local water supply. Trust us, the fresh pebble ice it makes only THE BEST for you and your guests. No more late night runs to Sonic or watching your blender turn your cloudy freezer ice into snowy shards.
Once you’ve completed this easy setup process, simply place your glassware or mug of your choice into the mixing chamber. Our specially designed HamBeech spindle blender descends and blends/aerates your drink to a perfect froth, ready to serve! The Max edition also snaps a picture of your tasty libation for automatic upload to Instagram and the Tiki Recipes Facebook group.
When it comes to selecting what to make, simply launch the Beechmaster App (sorry, iOS only), and find the recipe of our choice. A checkbox allows you to optionally Commando-fy your drinks (You’ll want to ensure your spirit tanks are topped up in advance.) Coming soon: integration with Grogalizer (you’ll still need the book, however.)
Once limited to Tiki nerds whose bottle collection resembles Death & Co’s, the Beechmaster and Beechmaster Max make classic and modern tiki drinks effortlessly available to anyone for the low price of just $4995 and 25 square feet of counter space to spare!
Safety note: Despite reports that the MaxAngo attachment can be hacked to dispense lemon extract, you definitely should not do that. (Wink wink).
Too bad it’s only fictional (for the moment).
It could turn every “Blahh” bar (and more importantly, every “Blahh” bar “Section” of “Blahh” restaurants) into an acceptable Tiki drink provider (Say “ByeBye” to the notoriously bad Tiki Slushie machines…)
We were both giggling repeatedly, well done sir.
The girl was like “a machine to make…LEMON DROPS?!?”
Thank you. Glad someone appreciated the humor and inside jokes!